By: Becky Root
What if your phone rings today and somebody INVITES YOU TO THE OSCARS THIS SUNDAY? Could you pull together an ensemble fierce enough for red carpet arrival? Win or lose that statuette, Oscars elegance is NOT cheap.
Tickets for a traditional guy and his date will cost $1,500 altogether, for a Scorsese and Tarantino Sandwich seats. Car service from afternoon through the night, will run $1,200. Probably should own the tux you go to the Oscars in, at Armani level or just under Tom Ford level will cost you $3,000. Men’s shoes are boring, so no more than $200. Treat your face to luxury on your big day, straight razor hot shave by a professional and fresh haircut, more than six pence, $75. Total for the night of your life, $5,975.
For the traditional lady, she will not be paying for her ticket or car service. Yet, somehow will spend the most. A designer gown would be a couture loaner for the nominees or presenters, but we will have to buy something designer off the rack for between $5,000 to $10,000 (even renting the runway won’t work on short notice). We’ll go with $6,000, some extra hundreds may be needed for a quick turn around tailoring. Shapewear is a given and sometimes makes or breaks the look (red carpet looks are all about that silhouette), $85. Shoes, Oscar shoes are definitely the time for Louboutins, $1,000. The clutch makes a statement, let’s go Gucci and golden, $1,900. Jewels are hopefully borrowed, if the designers won’t loan to you, beg and borrow from friends and family to save some money. Hair $300 and makeup $100, then nails are kind of 40% of the ensemble right now, so go big with statement nails, $85. Total for the date that will produce the most selfies ever, $9,470.
With shifting gender roles and red carpet visionaries like Billy Porter, have we finally found the way to equalize what each gender pays for a big night out? For a feminine male going to the Oscars, he will buy his own ticket only, $750 and go halfsies on car service for the night, $600. A fabulous gown tux, like Christian Siriano’s, will run $10,000. Shapewear, um, hopefully you can pull off the look without a foundation, perks of being a man. Shoes on the other hand? High heeled shoes for a man’s foot are no cake walk, Billy Porter has gone with Coach Platforms in the past, so let’s add these nice Coach platform wingtips for $200. Clutch, get that Gucci clutch, you deserve it, $1,900. Though the guy’s tuxedo gown probably has a ton of pockets, just to be spiteful. Hot shave and a haircut and some makeup (dramatic eye for that dramatic gown), $75 and $75. Total for making the entrance of your life, $13,600.
So the masculine female escort of the feminine man will pay her own way to the Oscars and go halfsies on car service too, $750 and $600. The female tux is nothing new to Hollywood and there are many directions to go. if you want to emulate actual men’s wear, then you can save some money (especially by going shirtless under the tuxedo jacket). Let’s go with this girly tux for the pop of color, $3,500. Shapewear (that stuff follows you everywhere, there’s no escape), $85. Shoes are no place to skimp, girl shoes are fun, so another $1,000. Clutch, somebody please bring this Gucci to the Oscars for me, $1,900. Makeup $100 and nails again, they’re just a fun place to have fun, $85. Hair in a lady tux, can go done up, but you run the risk of just looking like a morning news anchor or a Rockette. Wearing a great lady tux look takes guts and the lady hair that says, “Man, do I have guts,” is to go slick, all the way. So hair gel and a comb, $4.48. Total for the most comfortable formal outfit of your life, $8,024.48. This was a lot of words to tell us what we all knew: heteronormative men have it the cheapest.