How to Ask for What You Really Want in Bed

Asking for what you want in the bedroom can be a very intimidating, especially for women. It’s hard to vocalize what we’re feeling because of the shame that comes with being sexual in the first place.

Although it may feel awkward to talk about these things, being open and honest about what you want in bed is a must. Here are some tips on how to tell your partner just what you’re in to.

Pick the Setting

Often times, asking for what you like can happen mid-act, and while this flies sometimes, it isn’t recommended when trying introduce something new to your partner.

It is important to bring it up in a space where you and your partner feel the most comfortable. Introduce whatever you want to try on a walk, at dinner or any other time where both parties can think things through, have open honest dialogue and most importantly don’t feel pressured into anything.

Be Specific

Gaining the confidence to say what you want in bed can be difficult enough, and asking you to be specific is easier said than done, but it is crucial with this type of communication.

The more specific you are about what you want, the easier it is for your partner to make a clear decision.

The vulnerability in being clear about your desires can you lead you to feeling more comfortable with your partner. Of course comfort is key, which will help you both have much more fun exploring each other in the bedroom.

Make It a Part of Foreplay

If you’re nervous about bringing about your desires seemingly out of the blue, incorporate this dialogue into your foreplay.

This is a great example of not doing this mid-act, but still at a time where the sexual context might make you feel a more comfortable talking about the subject.  Talking about the sexy things you want your partner to do is a great for step to get you both in the mood.

Ana Cadell, PhD, sex counselor and founder of explain why asking during foreplay — which doesn’t only include the moments right before sex — is a good idea.

“You want to do it when he or she is listening and open to suggestion, and foreplay is the perfect time for that,” she said. “Bring it up over a romantic dinner, when you’re kissing, or even when you’re in the car on your way to a romantic weekend or on the way home form the movies.”

If you’re still apprehensive about doing this in person, sexting could be for you. Sexting can be a fun way for you and your lover to discuss what you both want without the face to face jitters.

Positivity is Key

When describing what you want, it’s important to come form a place of positivity. Sex educator and founder of OrganicLoven, advises to start from a place of praise.

“What I like to do with my partners is to say something like, ‘You know what I really like? When you do this, this, and this. And you know what I’d like even more?”

There is a worry that candidly telling your partner what you want could possibly hurt their feelings and make them feel like they’re not satisfying you. Having a positive delivery avoids hurting any feelings. 

Cosmopolitan gives the tip to use the complement sandwich approach. “Start with something great, make a suggestion, then talk about something else you like.” This helps the conversation feel like a two-way street, and not like criticism.

Show Them!

Sometimes the best way to convey what you want is to show your partner yourself.

Don’t be afraid to show your partner exactly how you want to be touched with your own hands. It takes confidence to be able to do this, but it can also be a sexy way to connect with each other. Showing them what you like, also requires you to be in tune with your open body which is crucial.

Exploring your own body gives you insight on what you like. Having your partner sit back and watch what you like makes it easier for them to be able to fulfill your needs.

Be Respectful and Open

Respect and consent in rule number one. When discussing new sexual acts with anyone, make sure to respect any boundaries they have set.

It’s also important to recognize that your partner may not be interested in doing whatever you asked and that is 100% okay. Sex should be enjoyable for all partied involved so know that asking does not guarantee that the act is going to happen.

Just like you want your partner to be open to your desires, be open to the idea that it is not for them. A respectful discussion like this can lead you both to finding common ground on what to try in the bed.

Ask your partner what they want in return. Going back and forth with suggestions is a way to dive into the conversation of sexual exploration.

Be open to the idea that you might not like something you thought you would. Remember that, what we like and want to try changes constantly.

What are some ways that you express what you want in bed? Drop a comment below and let us know!

Be sure to check out our latest article on becoming sex positive!

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